Moving Beyond Betrayal - Martin Wiles

Then David sent for her (Bathsheba), and when she came to the palace, he slept with her. 2 Samuel 11:4 NLT

“I’ve had an affair.”  

Though statistics reveal that most marriages don’t survive unfaithfulness, it doesn’t have to drive the final nail into the coffin. Moving beyond betrayal and saving a marriage is entirely possible. When unfaithfulness occurs, the betrayed must ask and answer several questions.

Is forgiving the right thing to do?

From God’s perspective, forgiveness is always appropriate. Although it may seem impossible, forgiveness should be immediate. As God forgives us when we commit sins against Him, so we must forgive others. His forgiveness is tied to our forgiveness of others (Matthew 6:14-15).

While we can’t forgive in our own power, we can with God’s. Forgiveness may have to be repeated numerous times. The betrayer might not deserve forgiveness, but forgiving is more for our benefit than for theirs. If the betrayer has confessed, expressed sorrow, asked for forgiveness, and reiterated their love, they have shown the signs of true repentance.

What does God want me to do?

God hates divorce; He wants marriages to last. Sometimes, it’s impossible, but many that fail could be saved. While God permits divorce on the grounds of adultery, He never insists that divorce must take place. That—like unfaithfulness—is a choice. Partners willing to work diligently can experience a stronger marriage on the other side of unfaithfulness.

Can I live with my betrayer without trusting them?

Forgiveness and trust aren’t identical. We can forgive without trusting. Trust is like a credit rating. One unwise decision can affect both. And like a credit rating, trust takes years to fully bloom. The question is whether the betrayer is doing their best to restore trust in the marriage.

Do I have to know all the details?

When betrayal happens, adverb questions are common: how, when, where, how often, to what extent, why, and under what conditions. Knowing more makes it more difficult to forgive and re-establish trust. Settle for the simple fact that they have betrayed.

Can I live with my betrayer without bringing up the incident again?

Re-hashing the incident impedes healing. So does assigning blame. We must parrot God, who doesn’t keep bringing up our sins.

What about my spouse initially led me to love them?

Build up the betrayer through prayer and encouragement. Love them unconditionally. Remember, none of us are beyond sin—betrayal included.

Keeping a marriage intact in the face of betrayal is possible. Let God move you beyond betrayal.

Father, help me to forgive those who betray me even as You forgive me when I betray You through sinful acts. 

I invite you to try my book Hurt, Hope, and Healing in eBook or paperback. If you seek hope and healing because of the hurts you have faced, this book is for you. Click on the title above to order your copy. And thanks to all our faithful followers who share our posts on Facebook, Twitter, and Linkedin.